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Posted by divine_sun_cat
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
08:53:02
Play online chess |  Subject: Jokes
Message:
Does anyone know any chess jokes or jokes related to chess? One-liners/short jokes best. These jokes would be aimed at a non-chess playing audience, so nothing too esoteric would be appropriate. Vulgar is good. They are for a best-mans speech - the groom plays chess as a hobby. Thank you
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Posted by anaxagoras
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
09:05:23
Play online chess |
Message:
Don't whip out your bishop too soon for a quick mate!
;-)
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Posted by calmrolfe
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
09:05:27
Play online chess | ?
Message:
The day the bride and groom met at the Chess Club she said "Is that a King in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me !!"
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Queen to Play (movie review) — In “Queen to Play,” a subtle, absorbing film that features Kevin Kline in his first French-speaking role, the only thing that happens, really, is that a hard-working, soft-spoken woman learns to play chess. Seriously. That’s it. Because this “Queen” arrives in Washington at the start of the summer movie season, nearly two years after its initial release in France, that narrative simplicity has a certain appeal. At a time when most pictures are all CGI’d up and Imaxed out, there’s something particularly enjoyable about settling into a film whose pleasures reside in quiet moments, understated performances and the reading of subtitles. “Queen to Play,” originally titled “Joueuse” in French, or “Player,” introduces us to ...
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Posted by happinessisawarmgun
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
12:28:36
Play online chess |
Message:
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Vishy Anand able to smile after world title candidates take shape — Vishy Anand can smile. The chess champion's hopes of retaining his crown in 2012 were already boosted when the world No2 Magnus Carlsen withdrew as a candidate. Now the world No3 and favourite Levon Aronian is also out after his tense and nervous play led to missed chances and a 3.5-4.5 loss to Russia's Alex Grischuk. Anand has good form against all four semi-finalists. Gata Kamsky (US), Boris Gelfand (Israel) and Vlad Kramnik (Russia) are from the Indian's 40ish generation, while Grischuk splits his time between chess and poker. Cautious waiting tactics ruled for most of Kramnik's match with the 23-year-old Azeri Teimour Radjabov, as they drew four classical chess games and four rapid. The ninth ...
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Posted by happinessisawarmgun
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
12:36:33
Play online chess |
Message:
Paul visits his friend Steve and finds him playing a game of chess with his dog. 'This dog of yours is really clever,' says Paul. Steve responds: 'Not really. He only wins one game in three.'
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From the archive, 12 May 1997: Deep Blue win a giant step for computerkind — Originally published in the Guardian on 12 May 1997. When Gary Kasparov beat IBM's chess computer in 1989 he arrogantly told the programmers to "teach it to resign earlier". Yesterday, though, the world chess champion found himself humbled by a 1.4-ton heap of silicone in a victory for IBM's Deep Blue that marks a milestone in the progress of artificial intelligence. It is a depressing day for humankind in general. But why did the computer win? IBM's Deep Blue first caused a sensation in Philadelphia last year when it crushed the world chess champion in the first game of their match. "I was rightfully massacred," said Kasparov. Yet he won the series 4-2, striking a blow for the human race at the same time. Game by game, he learned more ...
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Posted by happinessisawarmgun
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
12:40:30
Play online chess |
Message:
A guy comes home from the chess club and his wife starts nagging him. "The Chess Club again, that's all you think about Chess! Chess! Chess! and more bloody Chess!
When was the last time you took me out?" "four knights ago."
"A fortnight ago and when was the last time you spoke to me?" "Two Knights ago."
"Two nights ago and when was the last time you spent more than an hour with me - and don't say three nights ago." "I appear to be in Time Trouble."
"You are in trouble this time alright. And what was you up to last night? You kissed me and then went out." "J'adoube."
"Speak English you swine. Tomorrow I'm locking the door and you won't be going out anywhere." "I'll be in Zugzwang."
"Is John coming round tomorrow?" "I'll have to check"
"I can't stand it when he comes!" " But he's my mate"
"What do you want for your supper?" "Fried Liver."
"Then you can fix the toilet, It's blocked." "I Khan do that."
"Why not?" "I have not read 'My Cistern.'"
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Chess Champ Kamsky Marches On — The top-seated Armenian chess grandmaster Levon Aronian was the heavy favorite to emerge as the winner of the 2011 FIDE Candidates matches in Kazan, Russia, and challenge Vishy Anand of India for the world chess title in 2012. According to the same scenario, Aronian's opponent in the Candidates Final was supposed to be the Bulgarian grandmaster Veselin Topalov. But both grandmasters are gone now, having lost the Candidates quarterfinal matches. Topalov was eliminated by the U.S. chess champion Gata Kamsky, Aronian lost to Alexander Grischuk of Russia. The semifinals - Kamsky vs. Gelfand and Kramnik vs. Grischuk - resume Thursday and ...
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Posted by divine_sun_cat
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
16:46:55
Play online chess |
Message:
thanks for the responses guys. I think i can use the bishop mate one. I guess chess and humour just don't go too well together, but keep them coming..
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Chess: No need to make a drama out of the endgame — Pawn endgames often involve bold sacrifices – but sometimes there are quieter ways to win. We've seen in the last two chess columns that superior king position does not always guarantee the advantage – contrary to standard pawn endgame chess lore – but here there is no disputing Black's dominance. The only question is, how to break through? RB: Pawn endgames frequently have the potential for dramatic sacrifices. You can have five pawns and give up four of them so one might queen and win the chess game. I don't see that here, however. So I'm going to go the other route: undramatic, quiet moves in an attempt to create zugzwang, force the white king back and invade. So 1…e5, when ...
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Posted by myway316
uskidscompute.com
11/26/2003
17:22:20
Play online chess | I don't know too many chess jokes...
Message:
...but how about a funny story? The Yugoslav GM Boris Kostisch had just died,and there was a memorial tournament in his name organized. As the event went on,an American and a Yugoslav were running neck and neck for 1st place. The American complained to the organizers that the Yugoslav player was having all his games thrown to him,and what were they going to do about it? The answer was:"Nothing. That makes it a fitting memorial. Old Kostisch never was above buying or selling a game!"
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Posted by bigkev
uskidscompute.com
11/28/2003
01:49:24
Play online chess | More ideas
Message:
He can teach his wife mating positions
The old chestnut of "If you treat your wife like a queen she'll tell everyone who the king is"
Some trivia - In Australia there's a brand of condoms called "Checkmate" - just shows how seriously chess is taken in Australia.
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Posted by pujetero
uskidscompute.com
11/29/2003
11:33:58
Play online chess | I see that in this post jokes can be said...
Message:
2 friends see themselves by the street and one of them says:
-My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, it will take my children and it will leave me.
The other friend asks to him:
-And what you will do?
And the other answers to him:
-E4, how always!
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Posted by divine_sun_cat
uskidscompute.com
11/30/2003
12:54:13
Play online chess | speech
Message:
I had to remove my chess joke from the speech as half the audience were very conservative, so no smut allowed. However the speech went down very well. Thanks again for responses..
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